The Jai(mes) Bond at his best

Posted on 12. Nov, 2009 by Leela Raina in India

Disclaimer: All characters appearing in this work are fictitious. Any resemblance to real persons, living or dead, is purely intentional.

All the recent controversies , scoop and gossip over the politics within the Indian delegation and the so called shifted stance. In my previous blog , as I highlighted that the love letter( oops, private letter) written by Jai Ram Ramesh to the Indian Prime minister really proved to be the BOMB among all the firecrackers that went off post Diwali.

So, Jai Ram Ramesh , having been educated from the best institutions within India ( St Stephens) to international ones like MIT with all his demeanour and striking personality has a lot in common with the epic action hero – James Bond.

1.  My name is Ramesh , Jai Ram Ramesh

The proactive minister proved that he wanted to be in the limelight when he wrote a personal letter to the Indian PM asking that we seriously consider the Australian Proposal and taking action for India is in its self interest

GOSSIP AMMA: :Looks like Jai Ram Ramesh leaked out the LETTER HIMSELF! and faxed it to all eminent ministers and high commissions and journalists!. A rather enthusiastic journalist got really excited and blew it up as the most controversial item in the next day newspapers. Lets be honest , with the recession, to keep our jobs we just have to bring spicier news as journalists.

The other theory was propagated by a little birdie who said that someone working under Ramesh leaked out the letter because he didn’t really get that much attention as he did in under the previous minister.

DIRTY POLITICS, DIRTY AMBITIONS, and DIRTY INTENTIONS……..

WHY?: Maybe Jai Ram Ramesh did not have any internal support from the ministry to shift our negotiating strategy into a more proactive and constructive one. He faced opposition from almost each one of the key negotiators. Lets be frank , these negotiators will get furious , since first you tell them to sell apples and now you tell them to sell oranges….

and lets also accept, a commerce minister or a coal minister has a greater weight in his arguments, so when Ramesh feels a little lonely we understand what compelled him to write that personal letter to the PM.

2. I Like my negotiating strategy shaken , not stirred

Jai Ram Ramesh has not been negotiating for he past 20 years of his life unlike all the other members on the official delegation from India. He’s fun, active and flexible and most of all loves to talk . In Boston Legal terms : its called JIBBER JABBER. Whereas the other negotiators are more traditional in their approach and like to be stern, running away from media or basically repeating the same old stories word to word.

GOSSIP AMMA:Jai Ram Ramesh during the Greenland Dialogue had a Tet-e-Tet with the Australian Lead Negotiator. Looks like they took a bit of liking for each other and ever since Ramesh has been lobbying strongly for the Australian Proposal and the schedule of actions they had proposed internally in the ministry. Due consideration to Mr Ramesh who at least listens to all proposals unlike some of our negotiators who despite being at the meetings when confronted don’t know the A or B of any proposal. What are they there for ?  (hint: Indians love free food)

3. Bond: “Do you mind if my friend sits this one out? She’s just dead.”

Ramesh:” Between Stern and Todd Stern the Copenhagen process is Torturous”

Oh come on ! Just because you don’t seem to understand the numbers and the first grade arithmetic of Stern and cannot come up with a great strategy to counter Todd Stern’s refined negotiating skills doesn’t mean the Copenhagen is torturous.

I’ll tell you what is torturous: When you come and say that we haven’t found any significant impact of global warming on our glaciers and Himalayas. Who is advising you on this? The intra – governmental panel on climate cheaters??? I think you mistook it for Inter Governmental Panel on Climate Change. Please get your facts right.

Copenhagen will definitely not be torturous with 20member delegation of the Indian Youth making their way all the way upto Copenhagen. We ensure that in case you all don’t come to an agreement we surely will make it very very torturous for all of you!

Jai Bond

4. (Whilst Bond is in bed with his Scandinavian language tutor.)
Bond: “I always enjoyed learning a new tongue.”

Ramesh: We didn’t cause the problem but we want to ensure that we’re a part of the solution

Stop blaming India for not moving in the negotiations. Why have we been made the centre of the debate when countries like the USA have not moved in a decade. We are willing to do what we can , we might even commit but why don’t you start blaming the right people first?It is in India’s self interest to be proactive domestically , and hence the national action plans will be implemented.

GOSSIP AMMA: A little birdie from the PM’s House in Delhi flew all the way to tell me that Manmohan Singh said , Listen , we don’t want to be the reason for a no deal in copenhagen. So ensure that , Ramesh.

5. (After dropping a lamp into a bathtub to electrocute a henchman.)
Bond: “Shocking! Positively shocking!”

Ramesh: “20 years we have just accumulated frequent flier miles by going to all these conferences”

For this , Gossip Amma couldn’t agree more as she feels strongly that her Indian negotiators attend conferences, have a party, bring their wives along and have been caught sleeping during the plenary speeches. Although she is really happy with the level of knowledge that they bring to the table, but , wishes they were as friendly , forthcoming for a coffee or a lunch to just talk about life in general.

But on the serious side , don’t you think that the frequent flier miles would be most useful when you send the RIGHT people to negotiate at the RIGHT time!  Make sure you fly in our honourable PM in his new aircraft all the way to Copenhagen.

6. Ending on a very positive note Mr Ramesh in his latest speech as a chairman of the lecture by Nic Stern in Delhi said that” sometime in 2010 will be an agreement but as of copenhagen it looks like it’ll be a politically binding agreement”.

GOSSIP AMMA’s Final Suggestion: Sir please have a daily debriefing with all your negotiators and consult the PM Council on Climate Change for the science and the facts , since we all don’t want the public to be lost in a cloud of unnecessary confusion.

Tags: India Bio's, Satire