According to an unreliable non-wiki leak, the Australian government plans to announce that it will send a special representative Koala to the UN Climate Change negotiations starting today.
While not holding any official title, the Grey-suited Aussie icon will be supported by a number of government interns and recent volunteers who have joined the team in the wake of recent department shuffling. Apparently, the fuzz-ball has been a key consultant on the government’s Direct Action plan, which didn’t go so well recently.
But the sad truth is, with the foreign minister pretending to be busy in Sri Lanka and the environment minister trying to overthrow the Carbon price, it seems that there is just no-one left to send.
This comes after a year of enlightened government reshuffles thanks to newly elected Supreme leader, Tony Abbott. Under his regime’s decision to ABORT Australia’s Minister for Science, Australia’s Climate Commission, merging its international climate team with department of foreign affairs and trade, and Firing almost 1/4 of the nation’s top scientists previously employed in the government’s scientific research and advisory body, the Abbott government’s newly recruited high-school science advisors have decided the best way to deal with these upcoming climate negotiations, is to send something fluffy to make people smile.
According to leaked phone calls released today by Edward Snowd-in, Tony Abbot’s newest science advisor was the only option available to the new coalition government.
“Basically, there’s no-one left in the government who knows anything about climate change, so we’re just going to send a Koala and hope no-one notices. Lets just hope he doesn’t talk about the bushfires though…
Another unverified sauce spilled this bit of insight into the government’s motivations;
“We are as of this moment currently uncertain as to whether to the climate negotiations will be attended by a real or toy Koala. This matter is still under serious discussions and cannot be speculated on at this exact moment”.
There are already objections to the unprecedented diplomatic move from a number of sources currently reading this blog, and apparently Tony Abbot’s unofficial representatives have stated that he is “all ears” to any objections you might have to this or any of his other policies, and are more than welcome to voice your so-called ‘science-based objections’ on his twitter page (@TonyAbbottMHR) or contact page.
Of course, given the nature and gravity of this policy shift there are those who believe that the move is just a hoax, potentially created to entertain readers of this blog.
However, this move comes after a wave of political pressure in the wake the government’s decision not to send a high ranking governmental official to the UN climate negotiations, drawing widespread criticism from local and international reporters who were all hoping Tony Abbot might attempt to swim from Sydney to the rapidly warming waters of the Baltic Sea wearing his infamous “budgee smugglers”.
The decision not to swim to #COP19 “puzzled” former UNFCCC chief Yvo de Boer, who was secretly saddened the famous “budgee-smuggler” was not going to make an attendance, nor send any of his other male colleagues.
“I heard Tony and his male friends in the Liberal party have a long history of claiming travel allowances. I just don’t understand why they didn’t send anyone?”, someone who looked like de Boer was quoted as saying.
After reading the response, and seeing such an interesting name for the first time, Abbott was reportedly shocked into a spell-bound response and snapped up his advisors into a quick ditch policy session, where they came up with the Koala idea.
The team of advisors now hope the former UN chief is quietly comforted.
As for the rest of us, following what will inevitably be an historic announcement sure to come in the next few days, they wish for us all to respect the Koala as a national icon.